Wednesday, 7 January 2015

New Year Fear

So we've gotten through the first week of the New Year. Have you broken your resolutions yet? Do the relaxed, unstructured days of Christmastime feel like a distant memory now that you've resumed the 9-5 grind? Have you been hit by the New Year fear yet?

This time last week, we were all making plans for how we wanted to ring out 2014 and herald in 2015. That moment when the clock strikes midnight signalling a brief, shining Camelot - the closure of the past, the promise of the future.

For me, this year was especially symbolic. As the clock struck midnight and I said goodbye to the previous year, I also said goodbye to RTE. Because as soon as we transitioned into the New Year, I no longer worked there.

It was a decision I did not take lightly. It was one that was carefully considered, discussed and agonised over. But I'm of the tenacious disposition that when faced with a fork in the road, the road that's bumpy and unpredictable is always more alluring than the safe bet.


I had three wonderful years at RTE. But over the last few months, it became apparent that the time had come to move on, to try something new. You can weigh up all the pros and cons until you're blue in the face, but I attempt to live my life based on two fundamental questions: 1. Are you happy? 2. Are you doing the very best you can do?. I've often found that when the answer to even one of these is no, you need to seriously consider making a change.

And change has been the forecast of late. The unpredictable, unsure, unstable element of chaos that can bring out our fears and monsters, that makes us feel very uncomfortable. Because lets be honest, who likes change? It's a risky business. You don't know whether its for good or bad. You don't have any security with it. You don't know what it's going to do to you or your life. It can feel as if the little control we have over our destiny has been sacrificed on the alter of progress, and we're just praying to an unseen deity that we've made the right decision.

So why do we do it? Why invite in change when you've no idea what you're ushering through the door?

Because if you don't believe in something better, you'll never find it. Because if you don't run the risk, you can't reap the rewards. Because our lives should not be designed around the safest course - but instead, the one that we desperately want the most. Because the pursuit of happiness is the worthiest of causes. Because it is the things that really scare us that have the power to change our lives in the most wonderful of ways.

Over the last few weeks, as I've made decisions about my life, in the big scary grand sense, I realised something. While I am scared of failing, I'm far more scared of never trying. If you fail, it's not the end of the world. You try, try, try again. You keep trying until you get it right. I'm scared of getting to my twilight years and regretting the things I didn't do because I let fear dominate me.

I don't know what my future holds. I have plans and ideas, hopes and wishes. I have a roughly sketched road map and a whole lot of freedom. I have my convictions and my words and my outlook on the world. I am a woman, standing on shifting sands, looking at the approaching waves knowing that they have the power to sweep me away or bring me atop to the crest.

I know this is not an easy route I've taken. I've already had mornings when I wake up thinking "What the hell are you doing?!" and I have to forcibly tone down the anxiety. I know that it's going to take an iron will of determination and stubbornness. I know that I know nothing about what may come. I do know though, that happiness is a choice we have to make - over and over again. I know that there are somethings that are worth holding on for, worth fighting for.

Young. Afraid. Hopeful. Ready for an adventure.

I think I'm where I'm meant to be.

Mucho Love,

Vicky xoxo

1 comment:

Andie Kavanagh said...

Reallh enjoyable post. Well wtitten and refreshingly honest. Thrilled to have reconnected with it's beautiful author.