Thursday, 23 October 2014

How To Be A Woman

It's not an easy thing to have a vagina in 2014. Admittedly, things have improved since we were expected to sit in a cave and hope to survive childbirth, but still, no sunny stroll in the proverbial park.

Feminism and gender equality has been a hot topic of late. Between Emma Watson's highly praised speech to the UN to launch the #HeForShe campaign, and more recently, Jennifer Garner's refreshing speech about gender equality at Elle magazine's "Women in Hollywood" event, the ongoing fight to balance the sexes has been much discussed of late.

It can be a rather confusing thing to be a woman. Depending on where you look for guidance, the definition changes. So in a bid to be obliging and helpful (cornerstones of femininity, yeah?), I've compiled a helpful guide to navigate these tricky waters so you can be the "Perfect Female".


According to society...
You can have it all. Actually, change that "can" to "should" because if you don't have/want it all, there's something desperately wrong with you. By "all", we mean a high-powered, high-stress, financially rewarding career which you seamlessly achieved without breaking a sweat five years after leaving college. Eight at a push, but you would want to be a CEO or have some other impressive acronym in your title.

Along with that career, you need to be in a committed relationship (marriage is no longer mandatory but if you're living in sin, refer to your spouse as your 'life partner' to let everyone know how serious you are). If you're under 30, you should co-own a puppy and have at least half your deposit for your LTH (long-term home). Yeah, we know about the new mortgage regulations. You're still expected to have 20g in savings that you managed to squirrel away during the recession.

If you're over 30, you need kids. Ideally three but at least two are also expected. The only acceptable reason for this not happening yet is either A) you're eggs are wonky and you're undergoing fertility treatment B) his sperm is wonky and he's undergoing fertility treatment C) you haven't found the perfect adorable Malaysian baby to adopt yet.

According to the media...
You're a size zero while managing to have a rack upwards of a D cup. Until science figures out a way to re-route your food absorption to ensure carbohydrates go immediately to your breasts rather than your hips, you will achieve this look through a combination of starvation and plastic surgery. The result you're shooting for is an anorexic Jessica Rabbit. If you don't naturally have fellatio perfect lips, you should get that fixed while you're getting your tits done.

You also need to permanently have a smile plastered on your face so you look like you're always "up for it"; fun, sex, the aforementioned act of fellatio - whatever it is, you're always ready to go.

There are lots of beauty products you need to ensure you don't scare people on a daily basis with your natural hideousness; primers, foundation, concealer's and lots of other expensive make-up which will take about 40 minutes to apply in the morning with 10 minute intervals set aside during the day for touch-up's will give you that "natural look". The hair that screams "I just fell out of bed like this" will take another 30. Don't forget expensive perfume and the latest, hottest fashion piece (this year, faux-fur or velvet anything), otherwise people will judge/mock you.

According to your boss...
You are a perfect divine entity that never gets sick and will work for the absolute minimum they can legally pay you. If you absolutely insist on having children (SUCH an inconvenience), do it with a  minimal amount of fuss and be back at your desk before the scar from your C-section has healed. Whatever you do, don't ever say you have to leave early/start late because one of your sprogs has chicken-pox/a school play/Ebola. In fact, after you've reproduced, don't mention the fact that you did so ever again.

According to potential romantic interests...
This one changes depending on the interest in question, but basically, you are to be his fantasy - whatever that is. If he's sporty and fit, so are you! You just LOVE gulping down ten beers and eating your body weight in chicken wings while discussing Balotelli's inability to play cohesively in a team, or how the Leinster team just isn't the same without BOD. Whatever you do though, hold your own - nobody likes the party girl who throws up on your shoes, k?

If he's a hipster type, you too love Instagramming every crumb you put in your mouth, spending your Friday nights in a dirty bar scented with urine and weed, maintaining a monotone expression as you listen to a one-man-band on banjo and tambourine singing about his cat. Your dress code, naturally, includes oversized clear lens glasses, lots of piercing's, some tattoos ideally because inked girls are hot and some "out there" item of clothing.

I think you get the idea. Find out what he's into and make sure you're into it too. Think of yourself as a living blow-up doll who's there to stroke his male ego and agree with him about everything. Preferably in some revealing lingerie and stripper heels.

According to your Mammy...
She just wants you to be well. A few grandkids would be a blessing and a fella that doesn't do her head in at every Christmas dinner. And if ye could make sure your winter coat covered your kidneys, that'd be grand.

Aaaannnd finally... According to yourself...
Be whatever the f*ck you want to be - just be happy.

Mucho Love,

Vicky xoxo

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