Timing is an incredibly important thing. In music, missing your cue and coming in on the wrong beat can be problematic. In life, it can be much more disastrous.
Today, the importance of timing came back to bite me in the ass. It's a cruel mistress.
Last year, during what I can now see was the climax to a damaging series of events (but at the time I was a full-time resident of The Nile), I met someone. A someone who is very special and kind and adorable. A someone who comes along once in a blue moon.
Time always leads to perspective but perspective doesn't always come with time. It's usually a painful and ugly process, one in which you lay your soul bare before yourself and acknowledge the truths you tried to stifle. There are a few things that I did last year that I'm not proud of, some bigger then others. But how I treated this person and the subsequent ripple effect it has had is one of them.
While I don't believe in regrets, I do believe in amends. Yet, being the emotionally retarded person I can be when it comes to my own happiness, I don't always express this as eloquently as I'd like to. Certainly not to the person who needs to hear it the most. So instead, I write.
I think of me in the dark months I experienced last year. I think of me trying to pretend that I wasn't in that place. I pulled my strings like a marionette puppet, convincing myself that once I didn't stop, things would be fine. I would be fine. I wasn't fine. For too long, I had pretended I was infallible. For too long, I refused to feel or deal with any blows I'd been dealt. This period of time is a series of puzzle pieces I can now fit together; I can see how it effected everything in my life. Even things that, for a long time, I didn't think it did.
The title of this post is "All The Things I Should Have Said", but it's not just a reference to last year. Even now, I find myself unable to verbalize certain things I probably should verbalize. While it's an improvement that I can at least register this, it is still extraordinarily difficult for me to actually say these things to the person I should. But if I could, I would say this:
I'm sorry for hurting you. I'm sorry that I couldn't see what was happening. I'm sorry for getting you caught up in something bad I was going through, that was nothing to do with you. I'm sorry that we didn't begin this now, when I'm better and stronger and wiser. I'm sorry if I ever made you think you did something wrong. I'm sorry I got scared. I'm sorry I pushed you away. I'm really sorry that I was a fool but I am especially sorry I didn't allow myself to be a fool for you.